Felix's Skyrim Playthrough: 02 Schmetterling conquers Riverwood

Last time we saw Schmetterling, he was uncontrollably gnashing his way through a brigand encampment like a frenzied T-Rex at Butlins. Now, with the nourishing goodness of human flesh coursing through his Orcine veins, our hero set off to Riverwood with a spring in step and a song in his heart - that song being 'Smash the Humans and Eat Their Bones' in F sharp major (working title). His plan: meet the simpleton Hadvar, see what he has to say (as per their arrangement), then bugger the feck off back to the putrid hole-in-the-ground he calls home.

The road to Riverwood would have been perilous to those of lesser stock. A bear here, a pack of rabid wolves there - but it was nothing he couldn't handle.

It was, however, a little bit curious to Schmetty just how many of the creatures he'd just deadified had silver wedding rings on their personage. Not having to the time to theorise urso-lupine anthropology (in all honesty, he didn't really care), he shrugged it off as these creatures, like many inferior beings, having undergone the ludicrous and baffling bonding process known as 'marriage'. In Schmetty's opinion, the world would be a far less complicated place if all animals just adopted Orcish mitosis as a means of reproduction. Why they hadn't already was beyond him.

Silently agreeing with himself on all other matters of Orc superiority, Schmetty pushed onwards. He must have lost track of time because before he knew it, he was pulling into Riverwood.

But why was there nobody there to greet him? Had Hadvar forgotten to mention his arrival? In fact, the only thing remotely resembling a welcome party was a suspicious-looking bush next to the dusty road into town, gently mocking him with its rustling.

Not wanting to let this smug punk of a shrubbery get the better of him, Schmetty heroically planted his mace into it.

*THWACK*

"ARF!!!!"

The bush spewed out the cold, lifeless body of  an ex-mutt.  He glanced at his mace. It was now liberally painted with dog brains, glimmering in the silver moonlight. Schmetty scratched his head, and opined that this may not have been the wisest of actions... He knew just how attached humans can get to their animals, and this dog was more than likely the property of a Riverwood resident. This was not going to end well.

Why, Schmetty?

His feelings of regret now palpable, Schmetty thoughts turned to his childhood. As a young Orcling he had adored his pet human, Bandit. He used to spend hours upon hours throwing sticks for him (that is, within the range of the post to which Bandit was tethered). And if some uppity adventurer upstart had killed his pet, he would have been bloody livid - and he was certain that if he didn't despatch with this canine cadaver sharpish, the humans would be sending similar feelings of murderisation his way in the form of an axe to the cranium.

"Easy does it."

"Just a little further"

"Annnnnnnnnnnd goodbye forever, doggie."

Wanting to put the hairy incident behind him, Schmetty pulled into a nearby trader owned by a man named Lucan Valerius. Inside, the man offered him the perfect excuse to get out of town while this whole dog-killing episode blew over. All the proprietor needed him to do was retrieve some sort of golden artefact from a cave just outside of Riverwood. Without hesitation, our protagonist obliged.

The quest, again fraught with unaccountably married animals (this time mudcrabs), went off without a hitch: Schmetty retrieved the Golden Claw, and returned to Lucan Valerius.

Schmetty's artistic interpretation of events.

Now it would appear that there had been some kind of mis-communication between Mr Valerius and Schmetty because, as far as Schmetty was concerned, he had only agreed to bring to the claw out of the cave - not return it to the human shopkeeper. (If he wanted it, he thought, he should have retrieved it himself). So one can only imagine Schmetty's surprise when Lucan had the effrontery to snatch the claw right out of the Orc's hands. Not having the patience to sort this dispute out via the small-claims courts of Skyrim, the pair agreed upon their own 'out-of-court settlement', with Schmetty's mace assuming the role of arbiter.

As the red mist cleared, Schmetty needed to hide the evidence.    

"How can they NOT know about the Finders Keepers Act of 201?"

Like all provincial towns in Skyrim, news travels fast in Riverwood. In regards to Schmetterling's recent 'conversation' with Lucan, this was certainly a double-edged sword. On the one hand, Herr Valerius had (for reasons unbeknownst to Schmetty) made him his heir...

I'm sure there's a film noir plot somewhere in this. 'Double InSchmenity'?

...but on the other, the whole town and his dead dog seemed to be vying for Schmetty's blood. I mean, they were royally pissed off. Axes, bows, swords, they were throwing everything the could at the Orc. He was certain this was how it would end.

Then, all of a sudden, a wild HADVAR appeared! Schmetty watched, nonplussed, as his erstwhile companion proceeded to unleash a can of whoop-ass on the entire freaking town.

Even this small boy...

After having murdered basically everyone, Schmetty and Hadvar sat down to a well-earned meal.

Schmetty would certainly be getting his five-a-day at this rate.

It was then that Hadvar offered a shocking proposition: Schmetty should join the Imperial Legion! (Whatever that was.) 

"Do they cater to an Orcish diet?"

Apparently Schmetty would need to travel to Solitude in order to do so. He wasn't sure where that was, but it sounded far away. Uggh. Too much like hard work. Why couldn't he stay in Riverwood, now that his partner in heinous crime had thoughtfully disappeared all of those unsightly humans?

Suddenly, Schmetty's wistful thoughts were interrupted by a whining voice. With a sinking feeling, he realised that Hadvar had not eliminated all of the puny humans.

Solitude it is.

this_is_jazz

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Now what has that prissy elf Pyppi been up to?  Find out: here.