With the flaming ruins of Riverwood at his back, Schmetterling, on the advice of Hadvar the human, left for the city of Solitude. He hadn't the foggiest idea where this place was, mind, but Schmetterling knew his instincts would get him there in no time.
*TEN DAYS LATER*
My my, what a journey! Seriously, these ten days could not have been more action-packed, even if he'd tried. He'd gallantly slain the Three-headed Cat of Fart-ma-goo, not-so-gallantly slain the one-headed cat of errr... this other place, bravely delved into the Mash Potato Mines of Zip-a-zee-do-da and snuck past its dedicated team of gnome custodians (rumoured to turn all those who gaze upon them into key lime pie), surreptitiously stolen their legendary Golden Anorak of Ever-So-Light Drizzle Resistance, AND, most impressive of all, courageously recovered from the sniffles he'd caught when it had rained too hard...
Surely Solitude was only a stone's throw away? No sooner had he thought this, when a settlement appeared on the horizon.
But as the Orc walked towards it, his excitement quickly faded.
"My, that pile of bodies looks familiar..."
Then it dawned on Schmetty.
"Orc-Jesus Christ!"
He was back in bloody Riverwood!
Always walk in a circle. Pretty sure that's what Bear Grylls said.
Orc instincts be damned! Schmetty was going to have to ask for directions. Spotting a soldier poking around the rubble of the town, he tapped him on the shoulder.
"Excuse me, sir, but I was wondering if you could point me in the direction of Soli..."
"BY ORDER OF THE JARL, I'M HERE TO ARREST YOU!"
Turns out the child whose parents Hadvar and Schmetty had brutally butchered and eaten had only gone and blabbed to the local authorities!
'I knew we shouldn't have left any witnesses', Schmetty thought to himself.
Outnumbered, out-gunned - and definitely NOT wanting to go to prison (pretty boy like him wouldn't last five minutes!) - Schmetty reverted to his tried and tested tactic of running away like The Orc-Flash with his arse on fire.
Tiring quickly, though, he knew he wasn't going to be able to keep this up for long. Then, in a burst of inspiration, he had an idea.
"Orc-reka!"
Remembering a giant encampment he'd come across on his travels, Schmetty wondered if he could lead his horde of angry pursuers there. I mean, what the worst that could happen?
What followed was pretty special...
Sweet, sweet rewengay
Lining up for the shot.
With the humans now smooshed into tiny, little pieces, our verdine friend needed one last favour from the giants.
"Excuse me, sir, but could you please point me in the direction of Solitu..."
"THANK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"
this_is_jazz
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