Felix's Skyrim Playthrough: 05 Schmetty Joins the Dark Brotherhood Part 1

"Urgh... My head! Where the tits am I?" For the second time since his adventure began, Schmetterling the Orc was blearily regaining consciousness in an unknown location. Last thing he remembered was falling asleep in a pile of hay in Solitude, and this place didn't remotely resemble that! He seemed to be in a dark, dingy, craphole of a shack.

"Blegh..."

Schemtty touched his head. He felt a mace-shaped impression where his cerebral Orc-tex used to be. 'Owy', he thought to himself, 'I feel like I've just gone eighteen rounds with Muhammad Orc-li!' But before he could get a hold of the situation, a softly-spoken voice from across the room called out to him.

"Ah, you're awake. Don't be afraid, my good Orc."

Schmetty looked up to see some sort of ninja human female, straddling an offensively filthy bookshelf. "Let me introduce myself. I am Astrid of the Dark Brotherhood," she purred. Schmetty didn't exactly know what that was, but he could take an educated guess at them being the people who'd clonked him on the noggin.

04 Whitewun and Weligious Wondewings

The weather is against me the next morning, as I leave the Sleeping Giant Inn after a much-needed rest and find that a blizzard has descended.  But the Jarl must (finally, after much distraction and dilly-dallying) be warned of the dragon menace!  Through the dense snowstorm, I spot four figures plodding on ahead of me: three Imperial soldiers escorting a captive Stormcloak rebel.  The loyalist asks that I help him overpower his guards.  Erm, no.  Instead, I zap a mangy wolf who snuck up behind me and sprint off down the road.

"WOOF WOOF" *ZZZZZAP* "WHINE WHINE"

Felix's Skyrim Playthrough: 04 Solitude

With the assistance of his new-found giant buddies, Schmetterling the Orc was now happily soaring through the air at a rate of 88 Orc-miles per Orc-second (roughly 15 Orc-knots).*

*Not known for their seafaring abilities, Orcs are on shaky ground when it comes to the unit of Orc-knots.

It might have been the altitude clouding his better judgement, but there was something about viewing Skyrim from such a great height, something about the fact that from this perspective, all humans looked like puny ants ripe for the crushing, that made Schmetty, for the first time in his life, feel at peace with the world.

In a state of euphoric serenity, Schmetty whispered to himself.

"Literally nothing could spoil this for me..."

THWACK!

CRUNCH!

Felix's Skyrim playthrough: 03 Schmetty's mystical and majestic journey to Solitude

With the flaming ruins of Riverwood at his back, Schmetterling, on the advice of Hadvar the human, left for the city of Solitude. He hadn't the foggiest idea where this place was, mind, but Schmetterling knew his instincts would get him there in no time.

*TEN DAYS LATER*   

My my, what a journey! Seriously, these ten days could not have been more action-packed, even if he'd tried. He'd gallantly slain the Three-headed Cat of Fart-ma-goo, not-so-gallantly slain the one-headed cat of errr... this other place, bravely delved into the Mash Potato Mines of Zip-a-zee-do-da and snuck past its dedicated team of gnome custodians (rumoured to turn all those who gaze upon them into key lime pie), surreptitiously stolen their legendary Golden Anorak of Ever-So-Light Drizzle Resistance, AND, most impressive of all, courageously recovered from the sniffles he'd caught when it had rained too hard...

03 The Douche and the Dungeon

As I leave Alvor’s forge, with pockets full of nothing but cold, hard coin from selling the contents of Rigel's treasure-room, I bump into a handsome chap called Sven strolling the main (only) street in Riverwood.  Now Pyppi’s no tramp, but she definitely likes what she sees, so we strike up a conversation.  Alas, he has feelings for another: Camilla, the sister of Lucan the trader.  And any lingering flames of attraction towards Sven are swiftly doused in icy water when he makes some rather snide comments regarding the elf Faendal – his rival for Camilla’s attention.  Exsqueeze me?  Never one to let a fellow Mer be subjected to racism, casual or otherwise, I promptly rat out snakey Sven to Camilla, who thanks me, and asks that I inform Faendal also.  He is overjoyed, rewards me with a little gold, and even offers to accompany me on my travels.  Why not?  Even a mighty mage such as Pyppi Långstøchin needs company on the long, lonesome road.  I accept his proposition, on a trial-basis for now.  If he proves his worth, and remembers who’s in charge, we’ll draw up a permanent contract. 

The Love Triangle

Felix's Skyrim Playthrough: 02 Schmetterling conquers Riverwood

Last time we saw Schmetterling, he was uncontrollably gnashing his way through a brigand encampment like a frenzied T-Rex at Butlins. Now, with the nourishing goodness of human flesh coursing through his Orcine veins, our hero set off to Riverwood with a spring in step and a song in his heart - that song being 'Smash the Humans and Eat Their Bones' in F sharp major (working title). His plan: meet the simpleton Hadvar, see what he has to say (as per their arrangement), then bugger the feck off back to the putrid hole-in-the-ground he calls home.

Between Good and Evil : Skyrim

Ever since James and Felix first played games together, one thing has been abundantly clear:  They play them very, very differently.  No more evident is this than in their RPG playthroughs.  Felix will go out of his way to maim, murder, and, in once instance, eviscerate an old lady because her violin music was "bumming him out".

02 We need to talk about Rigel

After a good night's sleep, I visit the Riverwood Trader to offload the assorted goodies I have collected so far on my eventful journey from Helgen.  The proprietor, Lucan, and his sister are having an argument, so I stand awkwardly in the corner, clearing my throat to let them know they have a customer.  It backfires, as Lucan asks if I would be able to lend a hand in retrieving his stolen Golden Claw.  I promise I will, but I’ve got tastier fish to fry at present.  And I’m not talking about the unrefrigerated salmon meat that I picked up from some fisherman’s rack and crammed into my pockets.

01 A Magical Beginning

Home Sweet Home

The game begins on what is basically Tamriel’s worst road trip, with a nervy horsethief, Rolaf aka Captain Exposition, and Ulfric Stormcloak – the leader of a nationalist rebel cause bent on kicking the meddling Empire out of Skyrim - bound and gagged.  We reach the Imperial outpost of Helgen, where the executioner’s block lies waiting for these criminal scum.  And myself, who was obviously just in the wrong place at the wrong time.  The wagon (finally) rumbles to a stop in the courtyard and our names are called one-by-one.  Apparently I’m not on the guest-list.

Felix's Skyrim playthrough: 01 Schmetty gets Orc-napped

"By the Seven/Nine [or however many ridiculous Human Gods there are], where in Oblivion am I!?" These were the first thoughts to run through the head of SCHMETTERLING the Orc as he blearily regained consciousness on a wagon somewhere in the frozen outback.

Girl Gamers and Porno Mods

I am a lady geek.  It is also a fairly widely accepted fact that women in games are portrayed, by and large, pretty poorly - here, Wikipedia lists all of FIVE female video game protagonists, two of which I have never heard of (possibly my bad, I'm not a RABID gamer), out of a list of hundreds, if not thousands, of mainstream video games.  In addition it links to some pretty horrendous games that actually exist.  I'm not going to go into all the things I've found here because it would make this entire post very, very long.  Longer than it's already going to be.  Some time ago, I got Skyrim for the PC in order to activate some of the mods available.  If you don't know what modding is, then basically, it's usually user-created changes to game-play.  This can range from anything to simply changing the colour of an in-game outfit, to actually fiddling about with some of the games codes in order to insert new characters/animations/locations etc.  I really enjoy Skyrim, and one of the improvements on its predecessors (Morrowind, Oblivion etc.) that I particularly liked was the fact that female armours actually look like they are made for a female, as opposed to being so intrinsically similar, if not the same as, male armour, that when fully covered, you might as well have not been given to the option to choose a gender in the first place.