Felix's Skyrim Playthrough: 05 Schmetty Joins the Dark Brotherhood Part 1

"Urgh... My head! Where the tits am I?" For the second time since his adventure began, Schmetterling the Orc was blearily regaining consciousness in an unknown location. Last thing he remembered was falling asleep in a pile of hay in Solitude, and this place didn't remotely resemble that! He seemed to be in a dark, dingy, craphole of a shack.

"Blegh..."

Schemtty touched his head. He felt a mace-shaped impression where his cerebral Orc-tex used to be. 'Owy', he thought to himself, 'I feel like I've just gone eighteen rounds with Muhammad Orc-li!' But before he could get a hold of the situation, a softly-spoken voice from across the room called out to him.

"Ah, you're awake. Don't be afraid, my good Orc."

Schmetty looked up to see some sort of ninja human female, straddling an offensively filthy bookshelf. "Let me introduce myself. I am Astrid of the Dark Brotherhood," she purred. Schmetty didn't exactly know what that was, but he could take an educated guess at them being the people who'd clonked him on the noggin.

Felix's Skyrim Playthrough: 04 Solitude

With the assistance of his new-found giant buddies, Schmetterling the Orc was now happily soaring through the air at a rate of 88 Orc-miles per Orc-second (roughly 15 Orc-knots).*

*Not known for their seafaring abilities, Orcs are on shaky ground when it comes to the unit of Orc-knots.

It might have been the altitude clouding his better judgement, but there was something about viewing Skyrim from such a great height, something about the fact that from this perspective, all humans looked like puny ants ripe for the crushing, that made Schmetty, for the first time in his life, feel at peace with the world.

In a state of euphoric serenity, Schmetty whispered to himself.

"Literally nothing could spoil this for me..."

THWACK!

CRUNCH!

Felix's Skyrim playthrough: 03 Schmetty's mystical and majestic journey to Solitude

With the flaming ruins of Riverwood at his back, Schmetterling, on the advice of Hadvar the human, left for the city of Solitude. He hadn't the foggiest idea where this place was, mind, but Schmetterling knew his instincts would get him there in no time.

*TEN DAYS LATER*   

My my, what a journey! Seriously, these ten days could not have been more action-packed, even if he'd tried. He'd gallantly slain the Three-headed Cat of Fart-ma-goo, not-so-gallantly slain the one-headed cat of errr... this other place, bravely delved into the Mash Potato Mines of Zip-a-zee-do-da and snuck past its dedicated team of gnome custodians (rumoured to turn all those who gaze upon them into key lime pie), surreptitiously stolen their legendary Golden Anorak of Ever-So-Light Drizzle Resistance, AND, most impressive of all, courageously recovered from the sniffles he'd caught when it had rained too hard...

Felix's Skyrim Playthrough: 02 Schmetterling conquers Riverwood

Last time we saw Schmetterling, he was uncontrollably gnashing his way through a brigand encampment like a frenzied T-Rex at Butlins. Now, with the nourishing goodness of human flesh coursing through his Orcine veins, our hero set off to Riverwood with a spring in step and a song in his heart - that song being 'Smash the Humans and Eat Their Bones' in F sharp major (working title). His plan: meet the simpleton Hadvar, see what he has to say (as per their arrangement), then bugger the feck off back to the putrid hole-in-the-ground he calls home.

Between Good and Evil : Skyrim

Ever since James and Felix first played games together, one thing has been abundantly clear:  They play them very, very differently.  No more evident is this than in their RPG playthroughs.  Felix will go out of his way to maim, murder, and, in once instance, eviscerate an old lady because her violin music was "bumming him out".

Felix's Skyrim playthrough: 01 Schmetty gets Orc-napped

"By the Seven/Nine [or however many ridiculous Human Gods there are], where in Oblivion am I!?" These were the first thoughts to run through the head of SCHMETTERLING the Orc as he blearily regained consciousness on a wagon somewhere in the frozen outback.