Felix's Skyrim Playthrough: 04 Solitude

With the assistance of his new-found giant buddies, Schmetterling the Orc was now happily soaring through the air at a rate of 88 Orc-miles per Orc-second (roughly 15 Orc-knots).*

*Not known for their seafaring abilities, Orcs are on shaky ground when it comes to the unit of Orc-knots.

It might have been the altitude clouding his better judgement, but there was something about viewing Skyrim from such a great height, something about the fact that from this perspective, all humans looked like puny ants ripe for the crushing, that made Schmetty, for the first time in his life, feel at peace with the world.

In a state of euphoric serenity, Schmetty whispered to himself.

"Literally nothing could spoil this for me..."

THWACK!

CRUNCH!

With the full velocity of a fast-moving Orc hitting a stone wall, our Orcish hero hit a stone wall. Hard.

    

"My bones... and organs..."

Picking up his teeth from the ground, Schmetty stood up and looked around. He appeared to be in a bustling market town. A town so hustly and bustly that none of the residents even attempted to bat an eyelid at 200 Orc-pounds of Orc-flesh crashing down into a crowed area.

'This must be Solitude', he thought. 'Bloody city-folk!'

Still unperturbed by Schmetty's presence, the residents were more preoccupied with the public de-head-istration of a local human.

"That'll teach you to lollygag!"

With justice having been swiftly dispensed, the humans quickly dispersed, leaving behind the warm, succulent remains of the recently departed...

Being a practical sort of Orc, Schmetty had always followed the mantra of Orc-Benjamin Franklin: "Waste not, want not." So with that in mind, he used the tools at his disposal to ensure that Solitude catered for his Orc-ganic sensibilities, in the marketplace...

...and the water supply...

...and in the four-legged fasty-runs the humans were always fond of riding...

Confident that Solitude was now decked out for his every need, Schemtty, keeping his promise to Hadvar, swore undying loyalty to the Imperial Legion (even though he still didn't really know what that was). 

"Upon my honour I do swear undying loyalty to Smitus Smede III." *crosses fingers*

But no sooner had he fulfilled his promise, Schmetty's dark past, once again came back to haunt him.

"Hey. I know you. You're that Orc who killed all those people in Riverwood."

He felt the cold, hard arm of the law grip his shoulder.

*Orc-gulp*

'My goodness, these humans are persistent', he thought. 'You commit a cheeky bit of humanocide ONCE, and the humans are all like, war-tribunal this, crimes against humanity that.'

Thinking that his number was up, Schmetty, in a state of desperation and panic turned to an old Orc mind-trick.

"This is not the Orc you are looking for."

"This is not the Orc I am looking for..."

'Orc-god, their security sucks!'

So... narrowly escaping the wrath of the human authorities (again), Schmetterling the Orc celebrated like any other wanted felon: by playing tag with children in full view of the local law enforcement. 

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

All tuckered out after a long day of mischief, butchery, and child slavery, our Orc hero crawled into a pile of hay, and laid to rest, wondering where his adventure would take him next. No sooner had he thought this, he drifted into a deep, well earned sleep.

this_is_jazz

Checking in on that Elf-bob McLame Pants, Pyppi, click here.

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