05 Losing my Dragon-ginity

"Guuu-uuuys, wait uuup!"

With some trepidation, I walk down to the main gates of Whiterun, where Irileth is delivering a rousing speech to the assembled town guard.  And while it does a little to steady my nerves, I am very much aware that the largest enemy I’ve faced so far is an overfed arachnid.  I'm glad I bumped up my healing prowess.  The Whiterun guards march out boldly and I tag along behind on Allie, “protecting the rear of the column”.  

04 Whitewun and Weligious Wondewings

The weather is against me the next morning, as I leave the Sleeping Giant Inn after a much-needed rest and find that a blizzard has descended.  But the Jarl must (finally, after much distraction and dilly-dallying) be warned of the dragon menace!  Through the dense snowstorm, I spot four figures plodding on ahead of me: three Imperial soldiers escorting a captive Stormcloak rebel.  The loyalist asks that I help him overpower his guards.  Erm, no.  Instead, I zap a mangy wolf who snuck up behind me and sprint off down the road.

"WOOF WOOF" *ZZZZZAP* "WHINE WHINE"

Felix's Skyrim Playthrough: 04 Solitude

With the assistance of his new-found giant buddies, Schmetterling the Orc was now happily soaring through the air at a rate of 88 Orc-miles per Orc-second (roughly 15 Orc-knots).*

*Not known for their seafaring abilities, Orcs are on shaky ground when it comes to the unit of Orc-knots.

It might have been the altitude clouding his better judgement, but there was something about viewing Skyrim from such a great height, something about the fact that from this perspective, all humans looked like puny ants ripe for the crushing, that made Schmetty, for the first time in his life, feel at peace with the world.

In a state of euphoric serenity, Schmetty whispered to himself.

"Literally nothing could spoil this for me..."

THWACK!

CRUNCH!

03 The Douche and the Dungeon

As I leave Alvor’s forge, with pockets full of nothing but cold, hard coin from selling the contents of Rigel's treasure-room, I bump into a handsome chap called Sven strolling the main (only) street in Riverwood.  Now Pyppi’s no tramp, but she definitely likes what she sees, so we strike up a conversation.  Alas, he has feelings for another: Camilla, the sister of Lucan the trader.  And any lingering flames of attraction towards Sven are swiftly doused in icy water when he makes some rather snide comments regarding the elf Faendal – his rival for Camilla’s attention.  Exsqueeze me?  Never one to let a fellow Mer be subjected to racism, casual or otherwise, I promptly rat out snakey Sven to Camilla, who thanks me, and asks that I inform Faendal also.  He is overjoyed, rewards me with a little gold, and even offers to accompany me on my travels.  Why not?  Even a mighty mage such as Pyppi Långstøchin needs company on the long, lonesome road.  I accept his proposition, on a trial-basis for now.  If he proves his worth, and remembers who’s in charge, we’ll draw up a permanent contract. 

The Love Triangle

Between Good and Evil : Skyrim

Ever since James and Felix first played games together, one thing has been abundantly clear:  They play them very, very differently.  No more evident is this than in their RPG playthroughs.  Felix will go out of his way to maim, murder, and, in once instance, eviscerate an old lady because her violin music was "bumming him out".

02 We need to talk about Rigel

After a good night's sleep, I visit the Riverwood Trader to offload the assorted goodies I have collected so far on my eventful journey from Helgen.  The proprietor, Lucan, and his sister are having an argument, so I stand awkwardly in the corner, clearing my throat to let them know they have a customer.  It backfires, as Lucan asks if I would be able to lend a hand in retrieving his stolen Golden Claw.  I promise I will, but I’ve got tastier fish to fry at present.  And I’m not talking about the unrefrigerated salmon meat that I picked up from some fisherman’s rack and crammed into my pockets.

01 A Magical Beginning

Home Sweet Home

The game begins on what is basically Tamriel’s worst road trip, with a nervy horsethief, Rolaf aka Captain Exposition, and Ulfric Stormcloak – the leader of a nationalist rebel cause bent on kicking the meddling Empire out of Skyrim - bound and gagged.  We reach the Imperial outpost of Helgen, where the executioner’s block lies waiting for these criminal scum.  And myself, who was obviously just in the wrong place at the wrong time.  The wagon (finally) rumbles to a stop in the courtyard and our names are called one-by-one.  Apparently I’m not on the guest-list.